This is the 11th installment in the Critical Dementia Skills (CDS) series. For more information on the series, start HERE. You can also click on the CDS tags in the blog for more.
Over the years, I’ve met many care partners who hold a grudge against themselves or others, including family members, or even the person living with dementia. Usually, the best thing, depending on the person, is to listen and recognize what is happening. There are people who violate our trust or let us down; the memory of that – and possibly being hurt again – are many times a defense mechanism.
Here are examples of holding a grudge while being a care partner:
Against yourself
- After telling a “therapeutic lie/fib” to avoid distress in your loved one
- After a loved one fell in the home when she/he left for two minutes to be in another room
- After placing a loved one in a care community (memory care, assisted living, etc)
- After admitting a loved one into a behavioral health unit when not able to adjust to certain behaviors
Against family members
- That will not pitch in with care, time, or finances
- That will not agree that there are signs of dementia
- Seem to complain but will not offer suggestions or be part of the solution
Against friends
- Who “dry up” See this podcast
Against a loved one with dementia
- Who does not appreciate the care given (though it may be the dementia)
- Who may have done something hurtful in the past, such as some form of abuse or abandonment
As Christians, we state in the Our Father, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” Jesus set the ultimate example for us when He said, “Father, forgive them, they know not what they do”(Luke 23:34).
While forgiveness is a stumbling block for many of us, it is something that we should strive for, and enlist the help of others, including the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. It can take tremendous grace to forgive someone; pray for that grace. A colleague, who is a social worker, even suggests praying for “the desire to forgive them;” it makes sense that we first require the desire to forgive before we can forgive.
I recently learned about the experiences of American POWs (Prisoners of War) in the Vietnam War (1955-1975) in relation to forgiveness. When they were moved to a centralized camp in Hanoi, the POWs were finally together as a group where they could interact. The American leaders stressed to each other the importance of forgiving their captors for what they had done to them as to not carry that anger for the rest of their lives.
Forgiveness is certainly some that you may feel comfortable discussing in your support group to get started, but there may not be enough time to explore your situation in detail. You may consider speaking with your priest for pastoral care and a professional (therapist, social worker, counselor, psychologist).
We are called to be followers of Christ but does not mean that we are obligated to be taken advantage of, be walked on, or continuously hurt. It is important to learn from anger and at minimum to set boundaries to protect yourself and others. This is where it is very helpful to collaborate with a priest and a professional.
Our Lord loves each of us, including those who have sinned. He will never abandon us or stop hoping that we will ask for forgiveness and seek to forgive others.
Questions for you to think, write down, and share in the comments section (any or all):
- Do you carry the weight of a grudge against yourself or someone else, or have you in the past?
- If you are able to forgive someone, what advice can you share with our community?
Thank you for reading this far and for commenting. Let’s tell hundreds more care partners about this concept by sharing the article. God bless you.
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