I believe that one of the most powerful tools in the dementia care partner’s toolbox is finding meaning in the challenging situation. I also feel that one of the most difficult topics to bring up is the same…finding meaning. After all, who am I to suggest that there is a purpose in this ordeal, or losing a spouse to the syndrome, or as some put it “becoming a parent to my parent”?
Sometimes I will throw the topic it out to my support group and pray to not get dirty looks, or sometimes I am blessed for it to come up in the conversation organically. It is easier when I am working one on one with a client who has hired me since the scope of that work is to dig deep and ask hard questions. But enough about me asking; what are some of the answers?
Sample answers from care partners about the meaning of the situation:
“I am fulfilling my marital vows.”
“Because of this experience, I am going to start a group home as a business to serve other families going through this.”
“This is a chance to give back to my father who raised me to do so well.”
It must take a great deal of confidence and optimism to see the silver lining. I like to think that if I was in their shoes, I could do the same thing, but I am not and can’t guarantee it. I can say for certain that while all care partners doing their very best they earn my respect and admiration, those who have been able to find meaning are extra-admirable.
Consider Dr. Viktor Frankl, author of one of my favorite books Mans Search for Meaning, who wrote about how he survived a Nazi concentration camp after his family had been killed. For him, it was a vision on lecturing to an auditorium of medical students, as well as publishing a book. Dr. Frankl theorized that we can handle any difficult situation if we can find meaning in it. To quote him, “Those who have a ‘why’ to live can bear with almost any ‘how’.” Since logos means meaning in Greek, Dr. Frankl coined the term “logotherapy” to capture the healing that can occur when we consider the why.
Dr. Pauline Boss, in her important book Loving Someone Who has Dementia: How to Find Hope While Coping with Stress and Grief, includes finding meaning as the first of seven guidelines for coping with “ambiguous loss” of dementia. She states that “finding meaning must include some hope for your future.” Sounds like Dr. Frankl is a good example of using a vision of a positive future.
In The Obstacle is the Way: The Timeless Art of Turning Trials into Triumph, Ryan Holiday applies the ancient stoic philosophy of Seneca (4 BC- 65 AD), Marcus Aurelius (121 AD- 180 AD), and Epictetus (55 AD-135 AD) to our modern struggles. He also points to how this practice helped more modern leaders (Washington, Grant) and entrepreneurs (Rockefeller, Edison) achieve success. This stoicism is not the contemporary meaning of denying pain, being emotionless, and being stubborn; rather the ancients used stoicism to find meaning and opportunity to practice virtue. For example, one can find a challenge to be a chance to practice humility, gratitude, or patience. Where we may be lacking in one area, a difficulty can force us to improve there, if only we allow it to.
If you are experiencing dementia, if you are a care partner, or even if you are a family member avoiding involvement, could this situation be an opportunity to practice a virtue? At some point, in the stress and confusion, I hope that you will explore meaning. Consider posting a request on the Dementia Prayer Wall, and our community will pray for you! God Bless.
References
Boss, P. (2011). Loving someone who has dementia: How to find hope while coping with stress and grief. John Wiley & Sons.
Frankl, V. E. (1985). Man’s search for meaning. Simon and Schuster.
Holiday, R. (2014). The obstacle is the way: The timeless art of turning trials into triumph. Penguin.
